Punbody Stop Me

Did about the spaghetti maker who died?

He pasta-way.

What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

A baboom.

Someone threw a block of cheddar at me the other day,

Real mature.

N.B. Sorry I’m aware that was pretty cheesy. 

People complain about the difficulty of maths but personally I find it easy as Pi

Birds rarely eat a full meal,

they’re usually just peckish 

Looking at some flowers the other day my friend asked if they were Poppys 

I said I didn’t think that anyone owned them.

Two hats on a hat-stand,

one says “you stay here, I’ll go on ahead.”

Studies have shown that when you share someone’s opinion you lean forward,

I’m inclined to agree.

I tried to decide on a style of fence the other day but I just couldn’t picket.

Under supplied bakers always kneed more dough

When my chisel slipped as I carved the name into the headstone I knew i’d made a grave error.

I found a polo the other day, it was in mint condition.

I really dig mining.

At one point I wanted to become a proctologist but I heard you have to work with a lot of assholes. 

It was recently found that the best way to interrogate a spy is to place them in a centrifuge and expose them to severe G forces, the idea being that they crack under pressure. 

I saw a motion picture of cellophane, It’s safe to say it’s my favorite film. 

I regularly sabotage air conditioning machines, it do it for my  fans. 

Was woken up by a rooster this morning, what a cock.

My strategy for tornadoes is to sit tight and wait for the whole thing to blow over.

There’s a shortage of board games in my area this Christmas, went to purchase some more from my local shop but so many people were trying to buy them. It was quite the scrabble.

Considered stealing some board games the other day, then I realised I shouldn’t take the risk.

Free cocaine, not to be sniffed at.

Found a tick on my dog the other day, got to stop letting teachers near him.

Someone tore my book in half the other day, I was seeing read.

mrpold:

Chinese in Bradford, far more successful all you can eat than Camberly. Get home just  in time for a stray dog to join us at my sister’s house. 

My niece is now trying to think of names for the new dog as we work to find the owner, this isn’t going to end well. 

I was playing craps with the grim reaper the other day, you could say I was dicing with death.

I’m currently creating a statue of my dad its quite the farther figure.

I hate people who pretend to be gay, fauxmosexuals.

I’ve got zero tolerance for numbers.

Someone took one of the lenses out of my 3D glasses, I was seeing red. 

Trying to reach some precariously placed cuts of meat from the top shelf, the steaks are high. 

What do you call a book with surveillance equipment inside?

A peeping tome. 

I’ve found picking apples in the winter a fruitless endeavor

My friends and I are going to a fancy dress party as parts of a cocktail, I drew the short straw. 

Got molested in the post office the other day, the staff kept touching my package. 

I find working for mitchellin very tiring. 

I hate it when people makes fun of native Americans,  lives-with-sterotypes has told me how he despises them.  

The new goalie in our team is off to a good start, he’s a keeper.

Sutures, what a stitch up.

Becoming a underground driver takes a lot of training.

Becoming a underground driver takes a lot of training.

Cereal puns are oat so simple.

After having a hard time learning to put up picture frames on the walls I’ve finally nailed it. 

Started running a canine neutering facility to remove a certain part of the hound’s anatomy, It’s the dogs bollocks. 

Heard a joke about Jacobs biscuits the other day, it was a cracker. 

Met my wife at a school cake sale, you could say it was fete

I’m going to exact revenge on my enemies by charging them random fines, somebody’s going to pay.  

My best friend is my duvet, it’s always got me covered.

I’ve recently been pressing my CD’s, You could say I’ve been ironing out the kinks.